The engine found itself struggling up a large hill before it as it chugged and groaned it’s fourteen years of age. An occasional puff of blue smoke vomited itself from the exhaust pipe to cover the following cars with an apology for being a poorly maintained van. Inside the party were more upbeat.
“She’ll be coming round the mountain, coming round the mountain, coming round the mountain when she comes!”
“Yeah! Can’t beat an old song when you are on your way somewhere eh Rare?” Margaret nudged the small odd looking greasy haired guy whilst managing to knock his glasses off.
Robin didn’t feel the same as he garrotted himself on the seat belt as it held onto him, just daring him to take it off and see how long he’d survive with these dodgy brakes on the old Ford.
“I couldn’t make out the lyrics with all the warbling you were doing oh and David with his so-called Welsh harmonics; just shouting his head off to drown out everybody else I thought.”
She cocked him a half smile while looking rather vacant in hindsight. She had to confess. “Sorry Rare, the engine droning sounded much more interesting than your monotone voice, so I shut off.”
“Doesn’t matter.” He replied as his seat belt kept snapping him back into and upright position. Finally he unclipped it and bent down to pick up his broken glasses. “I just can’t understand why you would sing about coming round a mountain, when quite clearly we are just going over the top of a small hill.”
“It’s just a song boyo! Now shall we sing another one. How about a Tom Jones classic?”
Marie who was sitting in the back with the other seven hostages spoke up as she had a rather bad headache after David’s shouting. “How about we have a rest from singing and just look out the window. Oh look a cow and it has brown patches instead of the usual black ones.”
David snorted. “See why you dated Robin here, you are both odd ones.”
“Ah give the chick and the ugly geezer a break will yah.” Dirk piped in and got a smile from the girl. He nudged the Welshman. “Might have just pulled. I’ll buy you a pint if you lay off the singing for now.”
“Okay, I’ll lay off the singing. Only for you though Dirk, just for you.”
“Cheers me man.” Dirk really appreciated this moment of peace. To try his luck. He chewed on his chewing gum frantically before leaning over towards the girl.
“Yeah, what do you want?”
“Thought, when we get to our hotel you might wanner have a drink with me in my room.”
She glared at him before speaking her mind. “Get lost slime bag! I’d rather go gay than ever get near to you.”
David chuckled. “Looks like you’ve lost your touch.”
“Nah, all the birds here know me, wait till we hit the clubs in Brighton.”
“Better make sure they are girls.” Robin piped up from the front as he fumbled for his broken glasses. “Did I ever tell you the time when...”
“Yes!” They all replied as they had heard the one about the time he dated what he thought to be a woman and it was a man. “Oh, you know, of course you do....sorry!”
“It’s easy to check if it’s a chick or not.”
Margaret eyed the guy dressed like a teddy boy on steriods using her rear view mirror. “And how do you do that Dirk?”
“It’s simple, you know like that advert that advertises Wash and Go.”
“Yeah.”
“Well in a place that may be full of people I don’t want to be with, I just pick one, put my hand somewhere and if it ain’t what it seems, I just touch and go.”
“Your sick!”
Dirk stared hard at Marie and replied with a grin. “I’m just love sick over you that’s all.” He laughed even more when she went bright red. He’d penetrated her defence.
Robin picked up his glasses and took a look at the two pieces. “Haven’t got any tape around have you Margaret?”
“No can do, used the last on fixing the radiator hose at the last stop.”
Dirk stopped chewing and spat it out, reaching forward as he did so. “Here Lego man use this to stick your glasses with, should hold them till we get you some tape.”
Robin took the wet stuff and started to mould the gun around the broken nose piece.”
“Why do you call him Lego man?” Travis a silent reader of the mental mind asked from the back seat.
“That’s simple, you know those Harry Potter films.”
“Yeah.”
“Well Lego brought out a little Harry Potter man, all short, wide and wears train spotter glasses. That’s him in the front seat, our Lego man, sits and walks like one as well.”
“Yes, I see where you are coming from. Deprived childhood you must have had. School bully was you?”
Dirk frowned. “No, at school I was the original rebel. The chicks used to dig me. I was the James Dean of the biking world.”
“But James Dean drove a car.” David came out with casually as he noticed more cows in a field.
“Wasn’t into cars, but I was the most dangerously cool dude on my 50 cc motorbike, especially when I tore through the girls changing room after hockey practice.”
“Did you get expelled?” Travis asked finding this story slightly more interesting than his book entitled; The Common Mind.
“Natch! I also got the bonus of getting my bike cleaned oh and the blood washed off of my face as I crashed into the showers.”
“That explains why you now have a face butt ugly that even the Elephant Man would run scared of if he saw you in the reflection.” Marie added getting a laugh off the pair in the front.
Dirk scrunched up his face and pulled a childish tongue out. Then rapidly putting the offending pink thing away he carried on. “Anyway, when I came round I beheld the heavenly faces of young scantily clad angels. That was before the lesbian PE teacher miss Cummins started putting the boot in with her size nine rugby boots.”
Robin frowned. “I thought you said the girls were fresh from Hockey practice?”
“They were! the PE who should have taught us boys was a Nancy boy. He used to teach the girls hockey while miss Cummins used to beat us up on the rugby field. We were always so relieved on really wintery days when we could just freeze running round the school field. A far, far better time than being crushed under a twenty stone dumper truck of a half-man half- woman thing.”
Robin finished placing his glasses back on. “That’s better they don’t move at all now.”
“Better fit than before eh?” Margaret asked as she carried on driving.
“No, not as good actually.”
“Then how come they don’t move as much?”
“The chewing gum has dried and stuck hard onto my nose.”
“Don’t worry about finding a permanent fix for those glasses. I have the perfect solution.”
Dirk slapped David on the shoulder. “Ah that’s nice of you old chap. Though I think you’ll need more than Spec Savers to enhance his chances of becoming normal.”
“Darn it Dirk, can’t you be nice to people.” Marie came out with.
“Nice! It’s dog eat dog in this world. I’m the original rebel me, I ain’t nice to no one unless I’m horny.” He grinned as he watched her go red again. “See blossom I’m being nice to you.”
“I believe in being nice to all things living!” Margaret came out with just as a rabbit fell into the road. “Ahhh rabbit!”
“Hey! Steady!” David shouted as his head hit the glass as the van swerved.
Margaret looked at Robin. “I hope I didn’t hurt it.”
Robin with his glasses focussed looked into the side door mirror which was broken and pointing down to the rear part of the van. “No it’s okay, he’s on the back tyre going round and around. Oh boy, I think it’s head just came off.”
“Ahhhhhhhhh!” Margaret screamed feeling sick.
Robin gave her a grin. “You only ran over a toy one, stuffing everywhere, nothing else.”
Margaret breathed a sigh of relieve and smiled. “Thank you Robin.” Before she clipped him round the head knocking his glasses off again in the process.
“What did you do that for?”
“For making me believe I killed one of God’s creatures.”
“Just great, my glasses are definitely broken now.”
“Don’t worry, I have some Chemical Metal, fixes everything. It’s so good that I don’t go to the dentist anymore, I just fill my teeth with this metallic stuff see!”
Dirk didn’t appreciate looking into a man’s mouth, especially one that stank of rotting vegetables. “Put you gob away and don’t get any of that Chemical stuff out; it will stink the whole bus and make you high. Open spaces only, it says on the packet.”
“Oh right, that’s why I often see pixies running around after I’ve been using the stuff in my small bed sit.”
“It still doesn’t help me and my broken glasses.”
“Don’t worry my man. I have loads of choddie and gob, it will only take me a few minutes to mix up a Dirk special.” He made an awful sound from the back of his mouth as he proceeded to fill his chops with another stick of chewing gum. Then he had a thought. “You said you never kill God’s creatures didn’t you Marg.”
She hated being called Marg but had to answer. “Yes never killed one yet. I’ll cry if I knew I had.”
Dirk grinned as he chewed before spitting out. “So how come there's loads of dead flies on the windscreen then.”
Margaret looked at the screen and as she did a big fly splatted itself upon it. Then that was it she just burst out crying and sobbed. “I am a murderer!”
Dirk just laughed even more as Robin had to take the wheel to avoid an accident. Two hours later the van carried on it’s way to Brighton.
