Robin felt the cold as he made his way past a snoring David the so-called Welshman with Cornish parents. The room was better now and smelt more like a man’s room should smell, in other words full of body odours and windy smells with a hint of spilled lager thrown in. He washed and took a walk. The weather was cold like spring can often be. Outside he met Marie.
“Hello, fancy meeting you here. I thought you’d be inside treating yourself to the last days breakfast.”
“Not that hungry really.” She replied looking out at the frosty morning. She cupped her hands and breathed a little warm air into them.
Robin noticed this and reaching into his jacket pocket he found a pair of gloves. “Here, take these, they will help to keep your hands warm.”
Marie looked at him as he did the gentlemanly thing of offering up his hand warmers. “Don’t you want your gloves?”
“I’ve never like fingerless gloves. I keep these as a reminder of how dangerous they can be.”
“They are?”
“My brother believed that fingerless gloves could only be worn by fingerless people.”
“Oh my he didn’t?” Marie knew of the strange obsession for being stupid in his family.
“Yes, chopped all his digits off in order to wear a pair so they would keep the ends of his new sized fingers warm.”
She looked down at the red pair. “They are not the actual ones are they?”
“No.”
She breathed a sigh of relief while pushing her dark brown hair behind her ears as the cold wind knocked it out of place. Then her sadness returned.
“Is something up Marie? you don’t seem yourself today.”
She decided to walk whilst looking at the floor. “Ah nothing really, just being stupid.”
“That’s my department, you cannot have the dunces hat yet you know.”
She smiled before feeling serious, best to come out with it. “Did you go back with those two girls last night?”
Robin laughed. “Oh no, not my type. I left in the end. Dirk stayed on for about ten minutes, until they realised how false he is. They said they were going to the toilet to powder their noses. Dirk said they must have very big power compacts, or noses as he gave up waiting and decided to watch cable instead.”
“That’s good.”
Robin laughed as he twigged. “Oh, I get it. You really like Dirk and was asking because you were afraid of missing out on the chance.” He laughed as he rubbed her arm with affection. “You will always go for the wrong ones you know. Hells Angels, drug pushers, politicians, the clergy, all criminals you know, except Hell’s Angels. Still I will pass old Dirk the nod if you like?”
Marie stopped him right there. “I don’t want those types anymore. I don’t want all flash and no substance Dirk. I made a big mistake letting you go. I want another go Robin, I just want you.”
Robin started to laugh quite hysterically at this point.
“What? Why are you laughing like that?”
“Ho, ho, because, hah, hah! You want me with all my odd ways ha, ha, my false teeth, a finger that looks like a house key, ho ho! I make Michael Jackson look very normal ha, ha! And you want me?”
She stood there with hands upon her hips and answered frankly. “Yeah I do Robin. Because to me you live up to your name. You are rare, a very rare person indeed; and I’m in love with you as strange a concept to you as this may be.”
Robin needed the loo, all that laughing and all. Still it didn’t halt him from confessing a little secret. “I love you to Marie.”
“Then show it, give me a kiss.”
“With or without the teeth?”
She laughed before answering his strange question. “You’re choice.”
As they walked along hand in hand Rare felt on top of the world and as he passed by a window he did this: “Hi there!”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m waving to that friendly chap at the window.”
Marie shook her head as she gave him the inside on the man. “He’s not being friendly, he’s cleaning windows.”
“Ah that explains why someone was wanting to wave at me.”
They entered the breakfast room where all the usual suspects were sitting about. Dirk was the first one to come on up looking all pale and ill.
“What’s up Dirk? you look as if you are going to be sick.”
“I happened to look over as an old dear over there bent down to get something out of her bag.”
“What did she do to you?” Rob asked wishing he hadn’t.
“Made me really ill. I didn’t wish to see her cleavage this early in the morning; it’s enough to put you off fried eggs for life. I tell you, cooked breakfasts are off the agenda until that old chick has left this room!”
Robin helped him to a seat where he got him a coffee and some toast.
Dirk noticed the man looking at Marie and another lady. “No good looking at her Rare, she’s got more lumps in her legs than inside a can of Ambrosia Creamed Rice. You need a girl with nice pins.”
“Marie has nice legs Dirk, that’s horrible.”
“Nah I was talking about the blubber chick that has obviously been here too long and eaten too many cooked breakfasts.” Then thinking about Marie he asked. “What are you doing with little miss perky peaks anyway?” Dirk was interrupted by David before he could get his answer.
“Top of the morning Rare. Know any old school poems going about, you know the ones that we often got rapped over the knuckles for.”
“Hey like; Jam tarts make you fart, custard powder makes it louder!” Dirk came out with.
“That’s great! What a school poem!” David replied.
“I think that’s disgusting, shouldn’t be allowed.” Margaret shouted from her table.
“Ah, shut up Marg, you must have had a few school poems like that.”
“No Dirk bag, we never did, an all girl’s school never lowered their standards in the poetry department. We had decent ones like; drop your knickers and raise your skirt, let the headmistress see your moon, before schools start and you get hurt .”She thought about this. “Oh my! That is a rude one, no wonder Mary Hopkins got banned for saying that on the school platform.”
“Talking about bodliy functions, my mate had this one; pardon me, it was not me, its my food who popped up to say hello and now it’s gone down below.”
“See I knew Robin would have a good one.” He looked at Mary. “Now you must give us a poem.”
“I’d like to marry Robin because he is strange. I like to marry him because I love him, and I wish to spend the rest of my life, being his Rarest love of all.” She went a shade of red before admitting; “I was never any good at poems.”
“That’s beautiful! Are we going to have our first marriage under the roof of our mental institute? I hope so, it will give insanity a lift.” Margaret said as she gave Marie a hug and Robin a handshake.
“Wow you and miss mini eggs are an item? Didn’t see that one coming! Mind you I saw just how good you were with those chicks last night. Good going Rare.” Dirk patted Robin on the back so hard that he lost his teeth into a bowl of corn flakes.
“Must have a stag night Robin.” David rubber stamped. “Get drunk and leave you somewhere naked. Oh boy those were the days!”
“Did I ever tell you about my mate, not a mate now though.” Dirk added as he placed his arms with one around Robin and the other around David. “We arranged this stage night. It was perfect, it took eight months of planning and we got the groom a good one. We got him drunk, so legless that he didn't even know we put him in an ambulance. The guy woke up the next day as a woman.”
“You didn’t!”
“Yes Dave my boy, we all paid out and got him a sex change. Imagine that wedding night, what a shock! Come to think about that, they got divorced six short months later. He went off with another man. I think was her brother, either way it was the stag joke of the century.” He grinned at Rare. “So watch out Robin, I might turn you into an actual man.”
“I don’t want a stag night please Dirk, not after the last one I went on, when my late brother was getting married.”
“Oh boy another tale of woe.”
“No, Dave he’s definitely English, no Chinese blood in him.”
David frowned before shaking his head and shouting. “What?”
“Don’t worry about it David, he thinks Woe is a Chinese name.”
He frowned even more before getting to the point. “What have you got against stag nights then?”
“We decided to have an alcohol free night so we all would be bright and ready in the morning. We decided to catch a movie.”
“So far so good, nothing of harm in watching a movie.” He looked at Rare. “What could you possibly do wrong at the flicks?”
“I sat down with my ice cream tub with those hard plastic spoons you get. The almost solid frozen ice cream shot out like a catapult from off the spoon and hit an elderly gentleman in front of me on the back of the neck and slid down his loose shirt collar.
“Did he move?”
“Not at all. He stayed permanently fixed to his seat, didn’t turn round or nothing.”
“Was the film that good. Must have been dead transfixed.” Dirk added.
“You are right, he was dead.”
“No way!”
“Yes, the shock of the cold iced cream gave him a heart attack. Killed him in an instant.”
Dirk slapped his buddy round the back again while David’s mouth fell open. “Don’t worry old man, that won’t happen because we are going to have loads of booze at your stag do. Just leave it up to Dirk and he will give you a night you’ll never forget.”
“That’s what I am worried about.”
“Well worst comes to worst, we can throw a few darts down the local public house.”
“Don’t like darts, I have a phobia about that also.”
Dirk swore before adding. “What the hell is wrong with darts?”
“My doctor used to play darts down at our old local. Trouble is he liked to keep in practice all of the time. When giving injections, he used to make me stand at the door and throw the syringe at my arm to see if he got the right vein. One time he chased me down the hall with a tetanus injection. From one end to the other he threw it and scored. The worst thing about it was I was subjected to him shouting out; ‘bull’s eye’ infront of my family and other patients.”
David went a little pale at thinking about needles. “Well, we best get on with the second day of teaching. I’m glad I’m getting paid for this experience.”
Robin took Marie’s hand and spent most of the morning smiling at each other, all except Robin had forgotten to pick up his teeth. From the confines of the hotel kitchen you heard a woman scream as a pair of false teeth emptied out of a bowl full of corn flakes.
